


hopeless

by sanjariti



Series: Wicked Games [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF, tom holland - Fandom
Genre: F/M, angsty, inspired by halsey, tom holland smut, tom is a switch and he loves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 13:07:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17244776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanjariti/pseuds/sanjariti
Summary: Tom’s sorry and beyond reason; is there any way for you to pull him back? || inspired by Halsey’s Sorry





	hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> This is a series/collection of extra "scenes" from my Tom Holland fic "Wicked Games". These can be read as standalone pieces, and you do not need to be caught up with the fic to understand/read them! 
> 
> Hopeless is a particularly sad piece so be warned!
> 
> Please enjoy and as always, let me know what you think! feedback is great for a writer's soul x

How do you know when someone loves you?

Long before they utter those three little words, there has to be some kind of tell. Some sign that sparks the light in your heart.  _They love you._

How do you know when you’ve been constantly broken down, ripped apart, and haphazardly put back together? How do you know when no one has ever shown you what love is like?

How will you ever know when all you’ve ever felt is anger, darkness, and pain?

* * *

 

_You don’t deserve her. You’re worthless._

Tom was sitting behind the bar, slumped against the wall as he downed the last bit of whiskey in the handle. He lazily tossed it to the side, turning his head as he heard the all too familiar crashing sound of the glass breaking against the ground.

Pushing himself up, he leaned forward and grabbed the first bottle his hands could get to.

_Pathetic, useless piece of shit._

He tossed the cork aside as he took a whiff of the vodka, his eyes fluttering closed. Your image flashed before him; a happy smile dancing on your lips, your hand holding his as you pulled him down with you onto your bed.

His heart clenched at the thought as he instinctively brought the bottle to his mouth, the heavy burn in his throat distracting him from the tears that had started to fall.

He didn’t know what to do anymore. He knew without a doubt he didn’t deserve you - the state he was in now more than clearly proved that. You were the epitome of hope and good, trapped at the side of a monster.

That’s what Tom was.

A cruel, heavy burden that only treated people like objects. Trying them on, just to put them back when he was done using them.

Only a monster was capable of doing that without remorse.

But then what would you call the strain on his heart as he thought of you, and everything he’d done?

_Guilt._

He was guilty of leading you on. Guilty of using you for himself. Guilty of trying to control you when you weren’t his, and guilty of letting you believe you had ever had a chance of calling him  _yours_.

He wanted you, even if he would never admit it to himself. Or admit it to you. He thrived on the rush of happiness he got whenever he was with you.

Yet he knew he would never be able to give you what you wanted - him. Every part of him, physically and mentally. It was all you had ever asked of him, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

If you ever saw him like this; ever knew what ran through his mind as he drank himself numb - there was no way you’d stay. Not after that.

But his heart wouldn’t stop calling out for you. As he felt the alcohol pass his lips, all he could think about was you. The thought of you numbed the pain more than the liquor he was drinking; it made him forget the tears that streamed down his face as he picked up his phone and dialed the one number he knew by heart.

“Hey mate, what’s up?” Harrison’s cheerful voice sounded on the other end. Tom hiccuped, a small sob escaping him as he tried to calm down, to no avail.

Harrison was at Mary’s apartment, helping her with new hires, among other things. He excused himself without a single word as he headed into her bathroom.

“Tom? What’s wrong?” All he could hear was shallow breathing. “Mate, c’mon. Talk to me,”

“I need - I need her, Haz.” Another sob followed his words. “I need Y/N. Y/N,  _please_ ,”

* * *

 

You were trying not to choke on some of your food when your phone lit up, a stupid photo of Harrison appearing on the screen. You quickly excused yourself with a wave of your hand, grabbing your jacket as you headed outside.

“Harrison? What’s up?”

“Where are you right now?”

“At dinner with some friends in the city - why? Did something happen?” Your pulse began to quicken as some worst case scenarios ran through your mind.

“Text me the address - I’ll explain later, I promise.” The line went dead.

After coming up with some bullshit excuse as to why you needed to leave, and handing Maggie a twenty, you walked back outside just as Harrison pulled up. You got into the car, immediately turning to look at him as he drove off.

“Harrison,”

“It’s Tom.” Your heart nearly stopped.

“What happened?” you whispered, your hands getting clammy as you clasped them tightly together.

“Just… don’t be mad. Not right now, at least,”

“ _Harrison_. What happened?” You were refusing to look at him now. What the fuck could Tom have done?

“He’s been drinking. A lot. He called me crying, and -”

“Crying?” Your voice was barely a whisper now. Your throat seemed to be closing shut, your eyes prickling with hot tears as you stared ahead.

“He was asking for you, and clearly he’s drunk, but he wants to talk to you, so,” Harrison said, his voice strained as he tried to stop himself from tearing up. His best friend in distress was something he would never get used to; no matter how many times he’d seen it.

The rest of the drive was silent as you mulled over his words; of everyone he could think of, Tom had to ask for you.

Not that it was necessarily a bad thing. You knew perfectly well by now that inebriated Tom was much more forthcoming than sober Tom; it was just that the situation itself was beyond unsavory.

You didn’t particularly enjoy having him open up  _only_  when he was drunk out of his mind.

But you would take what you could get, for the time being.

Harrison let you go upstairs alone; you could tell he was upset, and it was better to leave him alone than force him to see his best friend crying. The elevator ride up seemed to raise your anxiety with every passing second; the ding alerting your arrival in the foyer sparking a flood of adrenaline and nerves as you stepped out.

You kicked off your shoes and walked towards the living room, your steps silent as you made it to the door. The loud sniffling and broken sobs coming from the other side alone tore your heart apart.

You leaned against the wall and took a deep breath.  _He needs you. It’s okay. It’ll all be okay._

“Y/N?” His pained tone felt like a stab to the heart as you wiped away the tears that had managed to slip down your cheek.

Opening the door, you slowly took in the sight before you.

Broken glass scattered across the ground; a fifth resting in the palm of his hand as he looked up at you, eyes red and glazed over. You couldn’t help but clap a hand over your mouth as you stood your ground.

“Y/N, I’m - I’m so sorry, Y/N,” His words were deafening in your ears as you locked eyes with him. You managed to walk over to the bar without stepping on the glass, sinking down to your knees in front of him as you pried the bottle out of his hand.

“Tom,” you whispered. His head fell forward, his curls covering his face as his chest heaved with another deep sob. Ignoring the pain befalling your heart and the overwhelming smell of vodka, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him into your chest. His hands clutched the back of your shirt as he cried, his body shaking in your hold.

You moved one hand to the back of his head, gently scratching his scalp as you leaned down and kissed his hair.

His sobs continued as you tried to soothe him with your touch; your voice gone and unable to calm him down. You stayed like that for what seemed to be hours, until his breathing began to fall back into a steady rhythm. He managed to sit up a bit, looking at you as your hands fell to cup his face.

“Y/N,” he breathed, his eyes shining with new tears as he met your gaze.

“I’m here, Tom. I’m here,” you mumbled, your lips spread in a sad smile as you ran your thumb over his tear-stained cheek. He leaned into your touch, his eyes never leaving yours as he took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” His serious tone incited confusion as you watched him lean back against the wall. His hands fell to your waist and slipped under your shirt as he began to caress your skin.

“There’s nothing to apologize for. It’s okay - you’re okay, and that’s what matters.” He sniffled and dropped his gaze, shaking his head as he took one of your hands in his, and placed it over his heart.

“All of this,” He waved his hand around in the air, quietly scoffing. “This is _not_ okay. I run and drink myself away, ignoring everyone that shows they care, even in the slightest. I run away and leave you behind, and that’s not okay, Y/N.”

“Tom,”

“It’s not! I’m pathetic - I run away and hide when things are good. I refuse to understand why you look at me like this… like,”

“Like what?” You ran a hand through his hair, prompting him to meet your eyes.

“Like no one ever has before. You looked at me once, and I wasn’t able to stop thinking about you. You look at me now with hope, even when I’m hopeless. I’m sorry that I’m such pure shit,”

“Stop.” His jaw went slack as he looked at you in confusion. “You’re not hopeless, and you’re definitely not shit, Tom. I care about you, and I know you care about me, even if you don’t show it,” Your heart was breaking with every word you said, your eyes stinging with the tears you were holding back as you tried to stay calm.

“Baby, that’s exactly what isn’t okay - you don’t deserve this shit. I don’t deserve  _you_. I’ve been so blind, and you just let it be, and I wish… I wish you would see you shouldn’t stay with me. There’s no way you can save me.”

He flashed you a weak smile, the tears in his eyes free falling as he pulled you close. His face was pressed against your stomach as quiet whimpers overtook him, his body racked with silent sobs.

You kissed the top of his head as you brushed away your own tears that had slipped past as you thought over what he said.

_There’s no way you can save me._

Your heart constricted at his painful words; was he so lost in his suffering that he was oblivious to your affection - dare you call it love?

There was no way to deny that your feelings for him had matured in such a short time. His hurt only made them grow more; all you wanted was for him to be happy; for him to see that someone  _ ~~you?~~_  would love him and stay by his side as he slowly fixed himself.

Pushing the thoughts away, you pulled away from to sit down on the ground. Without a word, Tom rested his head on your lap, facing you as his eyes closed. His breathing was evening out, aside from the occasional broken sob overcoming him. You watched him fall asleep as you massaged his scalp, and took one of his hands in your own. He held onto you tightly, his grip only loosening slightly when he started to fall asleep.

Seeing the misery disappear from his features lifted a weight from your chest, but did nothing to ease the heartache burning within.

If only he hadn’t failed to see you from the start.


End file.
